OH NO! mommy is sick...

It really is inevitable. No matter how many multi vitamins I take, healthy fruit shakes I drink, gym classes I attend or well balanced meals I consume, eventually I will come down with something. Now I just lied about all of the above. I forget to take the vitamins, I drink way to much coffee and my main meal of the day is dinner where I consume way to many calories in just one sitting. As for the gym, I’m still on the fence. I have lucked out and I rarely get sick enough to warrantee a doctor visit. In the past I have called out of work for the day, stayed holed up in bed and pumped myself full of anti-cold/cough/vomit/whatever medicine and have been right as rain in just a couple of days. But having a child completely changes how I can take care of myself in the event I do get sick. Because no one is around to take care of sick mommy. There should be a service you can call that will come drop off all your necessary sick needs. Medicines, drinks, ear plugs ect. Because all baby wants to do is play with the loudest god damn toy he owns, throw everything around the room so it lands with a loud THUNK and shriek his head off because he thinks its so funny. Loud annoying noises don’t go to well with your splitting headache. Thank god I can control the food he eats so when mommy feels to sick to her stomach because of the stomach bug she caught from somewhere somehow, baby gets to have three meals a day of oatmeal because that doesn’t smell. And ha, baby can’t talk yet so baby can’t complain. Cheese is ok because that doesn’t smell too bad; mozzarella sticks have little to no odor. Poor mommy. I beg and plead with my baby to please take a super long nap so I can whine and cry and feel bad for myself on the couch but at least it is quiet so my head isn’t pounding all that much anymore. I wish I had some ginger ale or Gatorade but I cant leave the house until baby wakes up and the very thought of having to wrestle him into his jacket and bundle him in the stroller and push the stroller down the block to CVS makes my stomach hurt even more. I guess ill just have to wait till my husband comes home and he can take care of me. Or at least he tried...

He first offered me Chinese food because that is what he and his dad were ordering for dinner because sick mommy really had no energy to make dinner that day. I told him that was the last thing I could possibly choke down but he was convinced that as soon as I smelled that tantalizing Chinese food smell (seriously no matter what Chinese food smells amazing! The wonder of msg..) I would be starving and I would eat some. Or at least I would eat plain rice. Poor mommy had to smell the scent of Chinese food and I wish to god I had a mask because I really thought I was going to run to bathroom every five seconds. Lesson there hubby, people who have a stomach bug do not want to eat Chinese food. He offered me tea and I tried that. He told me to take a bath but I said the tub is too small and there is nothing worse than a too small tub with a too big person and their knobby knees poking out of the water. He then promised me a big Dani size tub one day. I lay on the couch and he offered me some Motrin, I choked that down with some tepid water because he forgot to add the ice. 3 hours later I feebly whispered that maybe I could handle some toast with butter, could he please make me some? Hubby jumped up to make me that toast but stubbed his toes hard into the steps leading up to the kitchen. He howled in pain and lay in a heap on the floor clutching his probably broken again toes so I had to get off the couch and get him an ice pack. I had him sit down for a few moments before I could get my toast. He brings me my toast a short while later but the toast isn’t too toasted; its full of holes and the butter is in little cold chunks. He told me to eat it anyways, he really did try. I fell asleep on the couch so he changed the channel to his video game and left me there sleeping because he says at least if I’m there while he is playing his game its still like we are hanging out.

Needless to say, I am more prepared for next time. I have Gatorade in the basement, chicken soup in the freezer and a plethora of cold medicines and tissues. BRING IT cold!!

Supposedly nothing heals better than Jewish penicillin, also known as chicken soup. Everyone has their own recipes and their own shtick when it comes to making the perfect pot. So here is my rendition passed on to me via my sister to my other two sisters from my mother from my grandmother. None of these women use measurements when making the soup so I did my best to come up with some sort of standardization adjust any seasonings you see fit.

I use an 8-quart soup pot, you will get about 4 quarts of soup.

Four Sisters Chicken Soup

· 1 pkg of beef bones

· 2 pounds chicken bones

· 1 pound turkey necks

· Now I know its weird that I use no actually chicken but rather just the bones but I find that I get a much more concentrated flavor and it is much cheaper! Feel free to add in any stray frozen chicken pieces from your freezer, I usually have a bag of trimmings reserved from when I clean the chickens before roasting.

· 1 large onion, skin on but washed (this is the secret to a golden chicken soup)

· 5 large carrots, peeled and cut in half

· 3 stalks of celery cut in half

· 2 small turnips peeled and cut in half

· 1 whole garlic bulb

· 2 bay leafs

· 1 tbsp. whole peppercorn

· 2 tbsp. or so of kosher salt (keep in mind that kosher meat is salted so go easy on the salt because you can always add more to taste when you are warming up the soup.)

· 1 tsp. dried thyme

· Handful of fresh parsley

· Handful of fresh dill

·

· Place all the ingredients in the pot and add cold water to cover. Bring the pot to a boil and skim off any of the gross meat bone crud. Lower the flame to a simmer and simmer the soup for four and half hours. That is the real secret to a good chicken soup, the longer the simmer the better the soup!

· Allow the soup to cool and strain into containers. Throw out the bones and you can save any of the veg if you have a small infant that can eat mashed carrot or turnip. My niece is coming to visit so that container is reserved for her! If not, it goes in the garbage because those veg have worked hard and have done their job.

· To warm up, bring soup to a boil and throw in some fresh carrot chunks and thinly sliced Portobello mushrooms. The carrots add freshness to the soup while the mushrooms add an earthy undertone.

· Serve the soup with carrot pieces, mushrooms and of course the essential noodles and matzo balls.

· I wont post a matzo ball recipe because I use the good old boxed matzo ball mix. I’ll whip egg whites for a cake but not for the matzo ball. Sorry dude.

I laugh about this now, but then...not so much

Just another Weekday. I’m all packed and ready to leave the house. Diaper bag in tow, check. Swim bag in tow, check. Baby in tow, double check. Heading out the door without my keys, slam the door and then I checked. Check. CHECK. OH GOD CHECK! Nope, no keys. Did I mention that the door is locked from the inside? That I need a key to get to my garage? I had my car keys but no door key. Did I also forget to mention that I am WEARING A BATHING SUIT AND ITS 20 DEGREES OUT?? My kid jumps out of my arms and is busy barking at the dog next door so he is occupied while I dump my bag out in search of the keys that I know are in the red ceramic bowl on the table inside, a mere two feet away from me. I briefly think about breaking the door down but I’m no super hero (secretly yes I am) and I don’t have a battering ram. I wish I did have a battering ram because the Chicago wind is ripping through my measly fleece and I am kind of shivery with only a bathing suit on underneath. We were going to baby swim class if you haven’t figured that out yet. I hate baby swim class but I figure it’s a life lesson for my child. Just like he drinks his wholesome (organic) milk delivered by the milkman so to he should learn to swim at 15 months old, best start in life for him, only the best. I swear, some days I feel like I am on crack when I make certain decisions. Where the hell is my sane conscious when I need her!!! Why else would I be wearing a swimsuit in December? But I paid for that class and I am committed for two months. Only then am I allowed to drop out and not have to pay. I think this is worse than joining a gym. I am trapped in baby swim class hell. Friends, don’t listen to me when I go on about the virtues of swim class, I am lying through my teeth because I cant admit that it is the worse thing ever and the smell of chlorine used to make my heart sing but all I want to do is curl up in a hole and lay there from 9:30 to 10 on that certain weekday morning.

So as my kid is barking at the neighbors dog and eating some mud, I grab my cell phone and call my landlord because maybe she is nearby and can quickly hop skip on over here and let me into the house before I resort to building a battering ram for myself here. Or I could throw a brick through the sliding door but that would be a little hard to explain to both my husband and the landlord. And I don’t want to be cleaning glass up. I have that fun experience from when I broke 5 glass bowls all at once. And that really is not fun. Then genius strikes me. After all you see this all the time on TV. Call the fire department! Yes!!! The firemen will save me and they will be quick and efficient and my kid loves trucks. Why not let him climb and explore a real one? I don’t even want to think about the mud under his fingernails and the leaves trailing out of his mouth. So I dial 911 with a little bit of fear and trepidation. After all dialing 911 is a very serious matter and is not something one can just do on a whim. But being locked out of your house with an unreachable husband or landlord and with a baby who keeps ripping off his hat and is soaking wet by now because he has taken a drink from the neighbors bird fountain and is about to climb in there too before I grab and tell him we need to wait on the corner for the big vroom vrooms to come!!! When the operator picks up, she answers me very calmly and tells me not to worry, this happens often and the firemen will be right there to help me. It felt like forever, I have icicles on my eyebrows but sure enough that fire truck comes ripping around the corner and out jump 3 burly men with tools and my battering ram. They are like ninjas. They scale the house and go flick flick switch…no that didn’t happen. They managed to get me in without breaking anything and I can’t tell you how because I would not want anyone to know how they did. Trade secret. And I would like to keep my TV please. And my kitchen aid mixer. Clearly my high priced valuables and prized possessions. I thank the men and they leave. I swear I will never leave my keys again but I know myself, it may just happen again. Your local fire department is surely reliable no need to leave a key by a friend or a neighbor. At least next time rest assured I wont be wearing a bathing suit.

Nothing warms you up on a cold brisk day than the thought of a meltingly soft brisket warming up in your oven. While I was living in Boston my friend Stefanie made this brisket and she happily shared with me her recipe. I just couldn’t get enough! I think those of us at that meal ate that platter clean and we would have even licked the baking dish!

Here is my version of this amazing dish, great to serve for company and babies love it too.

Hearty Beef Brisket

Ingredients:

· One 4 pound beef brisket

· Extra virgin olive oil

· 4 cloves garlic minced

· 5 medium yellow onions, sliced

· 21 oz. apple juice

· 6 tbsp. tomato paste

· 6 tbsp. dark brown sugar

· 5 tbsp. boiling water

· 4 tsp. soy sauce

· 5 big carrots, peeled and cut into chunks

· 3 medium parsnips, peeled and cut into chunks

· ¼ lb. dried prunes

· ¼ lb. dried apricots

· Kosher salt and pepper

· Pinch of ginger

Method:

· Preheat oven to 500

· Place sliced onions and garlic in the roasting pan; make sure the pan is big enough to fit the meat and the vegetables. Toss with some olive oil, just enough to coat the onions.

· Rinse beef brisket under cold running water and pat dry, place into the pan with the onions and garlic. Sprinkle the top with kosher salt and black pepper. Cover with heavy-duty foil and bake for 30 minutes.

· In a bowl combine the tomato paste, brown sugar, soy sauce, pinch of ginger and boiling water. Mix to form a paste.

· Reduce the oven temp to 325 after 30 minutes of baking time.

· Remove the brisket from the oven, uncover it and spoon the mixture over the beef.

· Place the carrots, parsnips and dried fruit all around the sides.

· Pour the apple juice in the pan and recover the brisket. Place in oven and bake for another 2 to 3 hours until fork tender. A fork inserted into the brisket should meet no resistance and look like its about to fall apart.

· Allow the brisket to cool and refrigerate overnight in order to slice.

· When cold, slice the brisket against the grain, and reheat in the sauce.

· Serve with the carrots and onions, dried fruit is optional

· Best made a day or two in advanced because it only gets better over time.

· Brisket can be wrapped and frozen as well, just make sure you freeze with plenty of the liquid.

To Gym or Not to Gym?

I am contemplating joining a gym, er rather a club. The handsome sales associate at the fitness center informed me that that they refer to the place as a club. Why is that I asked? Because it becomes a way of life for all of their members, he responded. You will get to know all the team members like they were your own family. Nice right? Because I don’t just have my own family and my husbands family but I will gain a third family! Who doesn’t want more people that they have to try and please, meet certain expectations and juggle more “who are we spending the holidays with again?”

For the record I should probably state that I have joined and quit 5 different gyms in the last ten years or so. I do give it a fair shot, I go three times a week for about a month, then I have no idea what comes up but something always does and I absolutely cannot get to the gym. I have shorts and brand new sneakers that I convinced my husband I NEEDED in order to make my gym going experience more pleasant now rotting away in my gym bag. The bag that I also convinced him I needed. I can be very persuasive about the things I absolutely NEED. (Hence the two pairs of shoes I bought last week before black Friday, I really couldn’t wait. To be fair they don’t have sales on everything and I am a fantastic bargain hunter. It is one of my special talents. That and my ability to make quenelles.) I don’t go for a month but I think about going and I think about that dollar amount flying out the window that I don’t even have anything to show for. My arms still remain flabby and my midsection so untoned. I always rationalize in my head that when I shop I least have a sweater or a pair of shoes to tally up the money I spent. My wardrobe is my greatest asset. If I added up the total retail value of what was in my closets…and my closets at my parents house…and the things I have left by my in-laws…oh and the 5 garbage bags of clothing I donated when we last moved…I would really be swimming in it.

When I was in high school my dad gave me a crisp 100-dollar bill note and told me to put in a safe part of my wallet. It was to be used in case of an emergency he said. Well I went to the mall later on that week and there were serious crises and emergencies everywhere! My dad had given all four of us that one hundred dollar bill as safety money. Some years later we were all sitting around at my parents house and he mentioned something about it. So my sisters all took out their wallets and were able to show my father that they still had that crisp 100-dollar note in the safe part of their wallet tucked away in case of an emergency. My dad looks at me because I am not pulling out my wallet. My wallet that is stuffed with credit card receipts and store coupons and some band aids (you never know) so I said to him, “hey I have the best security there is.” Eyes raised, he looks at me quizzically, “yes, how so?” so I tell him “Dad, I’m wearing it!” In my defense I was never told what quantitates an emergency! I am sure that my youngest sister can attest that charging a cup of coffee on my dad’s credit card at Starbucks was an emergency as well. HA! He was pissed at that one. I still remember the yell reverberating through the house…”what moron charged $2.30 at Starbucks!!! Do you guys not even have 3 bucks in your wallet!! DANI! GET DOWN HERE!

I want to know why it was ASSUMED that it was me. I cheerfully informed him that it most certainly was not me as the vein in his forehead bulged and his face was turning purple with rage at our collective irresponsibility. Oh dad! Did I mention that he had an alert on his credit card established so that anytime the card was swiped he received an email? Thank god for caller id on cellphones. Got myself out of many a sticky situation by claiming, “my phone never rang! I have bad service! Why the hell do we have sprint!”

Now Back to Kevin who was my go to guy and my newest family member. I asked him to show me around so I can see where all my member ship money goes. Being that I have a toddler, I need a place to send him while I am “working out” i.e. reading us weekly and other delightful reading materials on the treadmill. For an added fee of just 6 dollars a month I can have two hours of childcare each day. The club has a large room divided into sections, a small infant care room, an area gated off with at least 25 brand new mac computers, how awesome is that! You can check your email in case your iPhone/blackberry/droid is not loading fast enough. Or your older kids can do their homework and play games which is probably the true intention of the mini computer lab. They have a full basketball court with a whole giant climbing apparatus for big kids. But for my kid, a half walled in area with a flat screen TV and tons of toys and a ratio of one babysitter to 12 kids. Great! I asked the head of the childcare if they changed diapers and she informed that they absolutely do not but they can page me to come down and change him. Over the loudspeaker I will hear “Dani, can you please come down and change your kid’s poopy diaper?” How nice for the rest of the club going members to hear that announcement as they think weight losing and leg toning thoughts. I am also not allowed to send in food with him but a water cup is ok. Thank god for small favors, I am not sure how my pretzel-crazed child will manage an hour of the no-pretzels-only-water situation. But I am sure the plethora of toys will distract him. I might have to steal some because they are all so awesome. No, I’m not really going too. But if my kid does…

I have been in denial for a while about the fact that I now live in the suburbs, braving the cold frigid air while I push my probably really chilly child in his stroller because I need fresh air and I had a personal ice cream party for myself at 11pm last night. So I feel gross, guilty and I need to walk. And I’m going soft; I miss my arm whisking flour-lugging muscles. So here’s to my sixth effort at joining a gym/club/fitness center whatever you want it to be. I finally have an excuse to be the kind of mom that walks around in cool workout clothes (I have an excuse to go check out the gear at lulu lemon now) and totes a cool looking water bottle. Welcome to suburbia my friend.

All this talk about joining a gym just makes me want to eat cake. I am really into retro recipes lately so I have been combing through vintage cookbooks, (hint hint as to what to get me as a holiday gift!) for some long lost oldies but goodies. Here is a recipe that’s screams fifties housewife and the main ingredient is mayo. In a chocolate cake! Now I have a love affair with mayonnaise, Hellman’s only and the full fat version please. If you ever wonder who buys those super size containers from bulk warehouse stores that would be moi. Anything but full fat should be banned from store shelves. And I absolutely adore chocolate. The combo sounds gross I know, but it is absolutely delicious! And non-dairy. A huge bonus in my book because I’m always looking for a new non-dairy dessert to try out and especially one without margarine always piques my interest. I made this cake into mini cupcakes, regular size cupcakes and a small 6-inch cake. There is a ton of batter, enough for three nine cakes or you can divvy it up into what ever pan you choose. Just make sure to fill ¾ up and adjust the baking time to compensate.

Moist Chocolate Mayonnaise Cake

· 3 oz. bittersweet chocolate, chopped (I use the elite chocolate bittersweet)

· 2/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, I prefer giardellis

· 1 cup boiling water

· ¾ strong brewed hot coffee (Starbucks espresso roast)

· 2 3/4 cups all purpose flour

· 1 1/4 teaspoons baking soda

· 1/4 teaspoon baking powder

· 1 cup sugar

· 1 cup (packed) dark brown sugar (you can use light if you have that instead)

· 1 1/3 cups mayonnaise (full fat)

· 2 extra large eggs

· 1 TBSP vanilla extract

· Mini chocolate chips for the topping or chocolate ganache glaze

Method

· Preheat oven to 350°F.

· Line cupcake pans with paper liners or spray cake pans well with non stick cooking spray, line the bottoms with parchment and spray that as well, set aside

· Combine chopped chocolate and cocoa powder in a bowl Add the boiling water and hot coffee and whisk until chocolate is melted and mixture is smooth.

· Sift flour, baking soda, and baking powder into another bowl, set aside.

· Using an electric mixer beat both sugars and mayonnaise in large bowl until well blended, 2 to 3 minutes.

· Add eggs 1 at a time, beating until well blended after each addition.

· Beat in vanilla.

· Add flour mixture in alternately with chocolate mixture in 3 additions, beating until blended after each addition and occasionally scraping down sides of bowl.

· Divide batter among prepared cake pans and sprinkle some mini chocolate chips on the top. You can also make a chocolate ganache glaze instead and dip the cupcakes when they are cool.

· Bake cakes until tester inserted into center comes out clean, 12 to 15 minutes for cupcakes and 20 to 30 minutes for a larger cake. Just keep an eye on the cakes as they bake. Some ovens run hotter and bake faster.

· Cool cakes in pans on racks, Run small knife around sides of cakes to loosen. Carefully invert cakes onto racks and let cool completely.

· Wrapped well, the cupcakes or cakes can be frozen and thawed for later use.

·

Chocolate ganache glaze

· Can be doubled, tripled ect.

· 1 cup chocolate chips

· 1-cup heavy cream or non-dairy rich’s whip

· 1 tbsp. honey

· Place the chocolate chips and cream in a microwave safe bowl, heat at 15 second intervals and stir in between until the chocolate is melted.

· Starting in the center of the bowl whisk the chocolate and cream together, add in the honey and whisk well.

· If the mixture isn’t completely smooth and shiny, microwave it again for 15 seconds. You might have to do this once or twice to achieve perfect consistency.

· The glaze should be slightly warm and runny.

· Invert a cooled cupcake into the bowl and flick the cake up with your wrist to catch any dripping. Set the cupcakes on a rack. If the glaze cools too much while you are dipping cupcakes, simply reheat and re-whisk.

· Additionally you can use this as a glaze for a larger cake, just set the cake on a rack with a sheet pan underneath to catch the drippings and pour the glaze on the cake smoothing with a spatula. Allow to set and transfer to a cake plate using two large spatula’s to lift and slide.