To Gym or Not to Gym?

I am contemplating joining a gym, er rather a club. The handsome sales associate at the fitness center informed me that that they refer to the place as a club. Why is that I asked? Because it becomes a way of life for all of their members, he responded. You will get to know all the team members like they were your own family. Nice right? Because I don’t just have my own family and my husbands family but I will gain a third family! Who doesn’t want more people that they have to try and please, meet certain expectations and juggle more “who are we spending the holidays with again?”

For the record I should probably state that I have joined and quit 5 different gyms in the last ten years or so. I do give it a fair shot, I go three times a week for about a month, then I have no idea what comes up but something always does and I absolutely cannot get to the gym. I have shorts and brand new sneakers that I convinced my husband I NEEDED in order to make my gym going experience more pleasant now rotting away in my gym bag. The bag that I also convinced him I needed. I can be very persuasive about the things I absolutely NEED. (Hence the two pairs of shoes I bought last week before black Friday, I really couldn’t wait. To be fair they don’t have sales on everything and I am a fantastic bargain hunter. It is one of my special talents. That and my ability to make quenelles.) I don’t go for a month but I think about going and I think about that dollar amount flying out the window that I don’t even have anything to show for. My arms still remain flabby and my midsection so untoned. I always rationalize in my head that when I shop I least have a sweater or a pair of shoes to tally up the money I spent. My wardrobe is my greatest asset. If I added up the total retail value of what was in my closets…and my closets at my parents house…and the things I have left by my in-laws…oh and the 5 garbage bags of clothing I donated when we last moved…I would really be swimming in it.

When I was in high school my dad gave me a crisp 100-dollar bill note and told me to put in a safe part of my wallet. It was to be used in case of an emergency he said. Well I went to the mall later on that week and there were serious crises and emergencies everywhere! My dad had given all four of us that one hundred dollar bill as safety money. Some years later we were all sitting around at my parents house and he mentioned something about it. So my sisters all took out their wallets and were able to show my father that they still had that crisp 100-dollar note in the safe part of their wallet tucked away in case of an emergency. My dad looks at me because I am not pulling out my wallet. My wallet that is stuffed with credit card receipts and store coupons and some band aids (you never know) so I said to him, “hey I have the best security there is.” Eyes raised, he looks at me quizzically, “yes, how so?” so I tell him “Dad, I’m wearing it!” In my defense I was never told what quantitates an emergency! I am sure that my youngest sister can attest that charging a cup of coffee on my dad’s credit card at Starbucks was an emergency as well. HA! He was pissed at that one. I still remember the yell reverberating through the house…”what moron charged $2.30 at Starbucks!!! Do you guys not even have 3 bucks in your wallet!! DANI! GET DOWN HERE!

I want to know why it was ASSUMED that it was me. I cheerfully informed him that it most certainly was not me as the vein in his forehead bulged and his face was turning purple with rage at our collective irresponsibility. Oh dad! Did I mention that he had an alert on his credit card established so that anytime the card was swiped he received an email? Thank god for caller id on cellphones. Got myself out of many a sticky situation by claiming, “my phone never rang! I have bad service! Why the hell do we have sprint!”

Now Back to Kevin who was my go to guy and my newest family member. I asked him to show me around so I can see where all my member ship money goes. Being that I have a toddler, I need a place to send him while I am “working out” i.e. reading us weekly and other delightful reading materials on the treadmill. For an added fee of just 6 dollars a month I can have two hours of childcare each day. The club has a large room divided into sections, a small infant care room, an area gated off with at least 25 brand new mac computers, how awesome is that! You can check your email in case your iPhone/blackberry/droid is not loading fast enough. Or your older kids can do their homework and play games which is probably the true intention of the mini computer lab. They have a full basketball court with a whole giant climbing apparatus for big kids. But for my kid, a half walled in area with a flat screen TV and tons of toys and a ratio of one babysitter to 12 kids. Great! I asked the head of the childcare if they changed diapers and she informed that they absolutely do not but they can page me to come down and change him. Over the loudspeaker I will hear “Dani, can you please come down and change your kid’s poopy diaper?” How nice for the rest of the club going members to hear that announcement as they think weight losing and leg toning thoughts. I am also not allowed to send in food with him but a water cup is ok. Thank god for small favors, I am not sure how my pretzel-crazed child will manage an hour of the no-pretzels-only-water situation. But I am sure the plethora of toys will distract him. I might have to steal some because they are all so awesome. No, I’m not really going too. But if my kid does…

I have been in denial for a while about the fact that I now live in the suburbs, braving the cold frigid air while I push my probably really chilly child in his stroller because I need fresh air and I had a personal ice cream party for myself at 11pm last night. So I feel gross, guilty and I need to walk. And I’m going soft; I miss my arm whisking flour-lugging muscles. So here’s to my sixth effort at joining a gym/club/fitness center whatever you want it to be. I finally have an excuse to be the kind of mom that walks around in cool workout clothes (I have an excuse to go check out the gear at lulu lemon now) and totes a cool looking water bottle. Welcome to suburbia my friend.

All this talk about joining a gym just makes me want to eat cake. I am really into retro recipes lately so I have been combing through vintage cookbooks, (hint hint as to what to get me as a holiday gift!) for some long lost oldies but goodies. Here is a recipe that’s screams fifties housewife and the main ingredient is mayo. In a chocolate cake! Now I have a love affair with mayonnaise, Hellman’s only and the full fat version please. If you ever wonder who buys those super size containers from bulk warehouse stores that would be moi. Anything but full fat should be banned from store shelves. And I absolutely adore chocolate. The combo sounds gross I know, but it is absolutely delicious! And non-dairy. A huge bonus in my book because I’m always looking for a new non-dairy dessert to try out and especially one without margarine always piques my interest. I made this cake into mini cupcakes, regular size cupcakes and a small 6-inch cake. There is a ton of batter, enough for three nine cakes or you can divvy it up into what ever pan you choose. Just make sure to fill ¾ up and adjust the baking time to compensate.

Moist Chocolate Mayonnaise Cake

· 3 oz. bittersweet chocolate, chopped (I use the elite chocolate bittersweet)

· 2/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, I prefer giardellis

· 1 cup boiling water

· ¾ strong brewed hot coffee (Starbucks espresso roast)

· 2 3/4 cups all purpose flour

· 1 1/4 teaspoons baking soda

· 1/4 teaspoon baking powder

· 1 cup sugar

· 1 cup (packed) dark brown sugar (you can use light if you have that instead)

· 1 1/3 cups mayonnaise (full fat)

· 2 extra large eggs

· 1 TBSP vanilla extract

· Mini chocolate chips for the topping or chocolate ganache glaze

Method

· Preheat oven to 350°F.

· Line cupcake pans with paper liners or spray cake pans well with non stick cooking spray, line the bottoms with parchment and spray that as well, set aside

· Combine chopped chocolate and cocoa powder in a bowl Add the boiling water and hot coffee and whisk until chocolate is melted and mixture is smooth.

· Sift flour, baking soda, and baking powder into another bowl, set aside.

· Using an electric mixer beat both sugars and mayonnaise in large bowl until well blended, 2 to 3 minutes.

· Add eggs 1 at a time, beating until well blended after each addition.

· Beat in vanilla.

· Add flour mixture in alternately with chocolate mixture in 3 additions, beating until blended after each addition and occasionally scraping down sides of bowl.

· Divide batter among prepared cake pans and sprinkle some mini chocolate chips on the top. You can also make a chocolate ganache glaze instead and dip the cupcakes when they are cool.

· Bake cakes until tester inserted into center comes out clean, 12 to 15 minutes for cupcakes and 20 to 30 minutes for a larger cake. Just keep an eye on the cakes as they bake. Some ovens run hotter and bake faster.

· Cool cakes in pans on racks, Run small knife around sides of cakes to loosen. Carefully invert cakes onto racks and let cool completely.

· Wrapped well, the cupcakes or cakes can be frozen and thawed for later use.

·

Chocolate ganache glaze

· Can be doubled, tripled ect.

· 1 cup chocolate chips

· 1-cup heavy cream or non-dairy rich’s whip

· 1 tbsp. honey

· Place the chocolate chips and cream in a microwave safe bowl, heat at 15 second intervals and stir in between until the chocolate is melted.

· Starting in the center of the bowl whisk the chocolate and cream together, add in the honey and whisk well.

· If the mixture isn’t completely smooth and shiny, microwave it again for 15 seconds. You might have to do this once or twice to achieve perfect consistency.

· The glaze should be slightly warm and runny.

· Invert a cooled cupcake into the bowl and flick the cake up with your wrist to catch any dripping. Set the cupcakes on a rack. If the glaze cools too much while you are dipping cupcakes, simply reheat and re-whisk.

· Additionally you can use this as a glaze for a larger cake, just set the cake on a rack with a sheet pan underneath to catch the drippings and pour the glaze on the cake smoothing with a spatula. Allow to set and transfer to a cake plate using two large spatula’s to lift and slide.